The Final Take with Parker Mott

Zero Stars out of 4
(116 minutes)

The uninspired, poorly arranged action drags out in Battle: Los Angeles.

Battle: Los Angeles is noisy, bombastic, vile, pointless, uninspired, endless, tedious, boring, insulting, lame, pretentious, laughable, cheap, manipulative, shallow, derivative, and just plain bad. It’s an action movie that’s train is in vain. I’ve seen my fair share of bad action films, but this one is transcendentally awful. It is directed by Jonathan Liebesman (Darkness Falls) and he has to be a Michael Bay protégé. Never have I seen a director blow up stuff so senselessly since – well – Bay’s Revenge of the Fallen.

It’s truly unbelievable. Now, first off I am not raging against the “dumb” action movie. I can tolerate dumb fun, action pyrotechnics, and camp – I just like it done right (Taken, Leon: The Professional). The worst part about Battle: Los Angeles is that it couldn’t even fool a common movie goer of its cheapjack visceral. This is one film devoid of any style. It has neither heart nor is it cut astutely to create pace and excitement.

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Zero Stars out of 4
(86 minutes)

"Daddy, would you like some sausage?" Really?

Freddy Got Fingered, a malignant piece of work, makes pornography seem like family fun and gore flicks like picnic dinners. There’s nothing more disgraceful in the world that hasn’t been seen here. The brains of this operation, or better yet cinematic lobotomy, is Tom Green from such trash like Road Trip and Stealing Harvard. He’s the culprit, the penal writer/director who deserves a very unpleasant comeuppance for this disease – that is Freddy Got Fingered. (continue reading…)

Zero Stars out of 4
(82 minutes)

Meow...

I love cats. I love dogs. I do not love Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore.

Who is Kitty Galore? Does it matter? No it does not. There, I’ve saved you 80 minutes.

Moral of this story: I have six cats and even I walked out of this disaster. For all you plant owners, what chance do you have?

Lesson learned: My curiosity killed this cat.

Zero Stars out of 4
(117 minutes)

The idiots? No, the director isn't there.

Dogme Brethren of 95 – “Vow of Chastity”

1. Filming must be done on location. Props and sets must not be brought in. If a particular prop is necessary for the story, a location must be chosen where this prop is to be found.

2. The sound must never be produced apart from the images or vice versa. Music must not be used unless it occurs within the scene being filmed, i.e., diegetic. (continue reading…)

Zero Stars out of 4
(108 minutes)

Watch out! It's The Boondock Saints!

The Boondock Saints is a sinner’s vision. An unholy work and a castrated version of a barely endurable crime film. Every attempt director Troy Duffy tries to manipulate you into Boondock’s violent mockery, the more you will begin to hate it. The saddest thing about Boondock Saints is that it tries to make killing seem like a game, a fun past time. Duffy leaves behind the realism, and even if Boondock Saints is an absurdist mob film, the charades are cliché ridden and tedious. (continue reading…)